The Two Questions

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Are you okay?

What’s wrong?

The top two questions are questions that I do not like. Questions that make me lie even though I am unaware that I am lying. The way you’d respond to the top two questions is pretty common. “Yes I’m fine, nothing is wrong” and we say this with a smirk or even a wide smile, in hopes that the person will believe us and leave us alone with our thoughts. I’ve learned to smile at social events, birthday parties, weddings, get together’s, and etc…I wear a smile in hopes of no one noticing the weariness on my face, and my tone, I up the tone in my voice to make me sound somewhat happy and cheery. Again, the last thing I want is for someone to ask me those two questions “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”.

There are days where I intentionally leave my phone in my purse, I see and converse with people on a daily basis at my workplace that my phone becomes a nuisance to me. I’m so tired, I’m tired of telling people to hold on while I’m barely hanging on myself. So what keeps me going? My 3-year-old niece, she holds an innocence that I miss dearly. I want her to grow with Jesus and to stay close to Him as much as possible. She is hope in my eyes, and the way she can make friends even when some reject her…she looks the other way and continues to play. She’s at an age where the things of this world doesn’t phase her, she doesn’t let anything bother her. There’s so much in store for her, and I want to be there for her every step of the way. I want to be a better person for her, and for those around me that love me and care for me.

I maybe tired physically, emotionally, and I maybe tired of being asked those two questions “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”. But I want to hold on for as long as I possibly can, I don’t want these demons that I wrestle with to win this battle. I hope and pray for the day that I can snap out of this deep depression that I am in, that I can live a life without having to worry about every little thing. I believe that I have a lot in store for myself as well, and I know God has plans for me that are beyond anything that I can ever imagine. I know He’s waiting for me to crawl out of my own pity party, and begin a life that is fully dedicated to Him and not myself. I must decrease so that He can increase. If I really want to see change within myself and with those around me, then I have to be the first one to move. I have to be honest when those two questions are asked “Are you okay? What’s wrong?“.

I have to be honest…I must be honest.

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Death & How We Lived

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“While I thought I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.”

Leonardo da Vinci > Born April 15th, 1452 & Died May 2nd, 1519


Before I begin, I thought I should let you know that I work for a small community in Wisconsin. Whenever there is a death or a passing of a loved one, they share it with those who work in the community as a small gesture for anyone who would like to attend the funeral to pay their condolences.

Anyways…


About two weeks ago I received one of these emails in regards to someone who had passed away at an elderly home. He was 92 I believe, and I’ve never met him nor did I know anything about him. In the email it described his life and all that he accomplished while living, it also talked about the things that he enjoyed and loved doing. When I finished reading, I found myself quite emotional.

He was a 20 year Marine Corps veteran who served proudly in WW II, Korea, and Vietnam. He repaired and drove the M26 Pershing medium duty tank during the Korean conflict. After he retired from his military service, he moved his family to Campbell, CA and worked for a company there  that built the Bradley Tank. He was a mechanic and then became a welder of this armored vehicle. After his retirement, he moved with his wife to Wisconsin where they built their home and enjoyed their years of retirement.

The email described how he took pleasure doing many things in life; traveling, gardening, tending the yard/home and hobby of wood working. He also enjoyed playing dominos and laughing. His travels took him to see the marvelous sights of the U.S. He had a special place in his heart for this birth place and enjoyed visiting it when he had the opportunity. He also enjoyed visiting his children who resided out west. His youngest son, once he moved out he had located to Anchorage, AK which is where he enjoyed vacationing there to fish and enjoy the pristine sights of the state.

He was a sweet, loving man. He left a legacy with his family and he will be truly missed.


Maybe it was just me that day, but this really got to me. This mans obituary, even if it was summed up in an email, touched me in a way that life is precious. I began to think that if I died today, what would my obituary say? Would it sound anything like this, not exact, but would it touch someone the way this one touched me? In my honest opinion, I don’t think it would. It would probably be a bit pathetic and sad, maybe a bit depressing for some to read. Now I’m not saying that I dread my life in any way, but I know I haven’t been living to my full potential. I have so much to offer and yet, I allow my very self to get in the way. I allow these doubtful thoughts to enter into my head, making me feel like I have nothing to contribute to society. How do I want to be remembered? What is my dream?

I’m 24 years old and I’ve spent too much time trying to figure life out instead of actually living it. I wish I could be that person who just goes with the flow, to allow life happen as it should, and not worry about every little thing that faces me. If and when I die, I want people to remember as a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister, someone they looked up to. Just the other day I got down on one knee, eye level with my 3-year-old niece and told her this…”don’t grow up, stay little as possible. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what you may face in your lifetime…just know that I love you and I won’t let anybody hurt you.” As I stood up she looked up at me and said “really eeya?” I smiled and said “yes, really.”

I’m sure the 92-year-old man had some struggles in life, and even some tragedies that he had no control over. Yet he lived 92 years and passed away peacefully. I wish to live a long life, and that I would be able to look back and smile at everything that has happened to me. Life matters, you matter.

Are you happy with where you are right now? If not, what is stopping you from being happy?

 

I Used To…

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    You loved sunsets. All the shades of reds mixed with the blues and yellows. How they washed the buildings and trees with a gentle, golden glow. You always took pictures.

You loved how messy they were. How there was no “right one”, yet each one was beautiful as the last. You loved that no matter how bad your day had been, you could always look at them and ease your mind, and warm your heart. You loved how they just did their thing, no matter how many people noticed.

So while you looked on, I took a picture of you. Because you were my sunset.

-d.c.


There are quite a few things that I used to love that I don’t do anymore, the thing’s that used to bring me happiness and peace no longer have that effect on me. It’s easy to get caught up in the business of life, you become bombarded with bills and you tend to worry more about things than what you did in high school. Looking back, I wish I never would’ve rushed my high school years. I wish I would’ve taken it slow and enjoyed those moments of being with my friends, laughing and going to the movies or even the mall. And being content with the fact that I could only afford something that only cost me $5.

I’m 23 years old and so far I’ve learned that life happens and that we have no control over certain situations that may arise in our life. If you look at it, the thing’s that we used to love may no longer be part of our lives which seems a bit melancholy. We’ve let the things of life take away some of the thing’s that we loved the most, the thing’s that we cherished with every ounce of our bones. How do we go back? Can we even go back? Is that even a good idea? I know people grow out of stuff, but even that is usually related to personal growth. What I’m talking about is not anywhere along the lines of personal growth, and that being the reason we lose interest in some of the thing’s we used to love. No, I’m talking about things that we no longer enjoy all because we’re sad, angry, frustrated, and would rather just shut everyone out because we don’t know how else to cope. We don’t know what else to say, or even how to act.

I feel as if God is looking directly at us, making eye contact as much as possible while we’re the ones who keep looking left to right and up and down. As if we’re scared that He’ll see what we’ve become, or what we’re becoming. There are times where I wish God would grab me by the shoulders and say “Maria, stop”. Stop over thinking, stop looking back, and stop being so hard on yourself. Quite honestly I miss looking at the sunset, I miss lying in bed in the mornings/nights as I put my headphones on to listen to some music that puts me at ease. I miss being me. Maybe I got a little lost along the way of trying to find myself, which might be why the things that I used to love no longer interest me.

I used to talk with God every morning and night, I’d tell him how thankful I’d be for giving me another day. I’d tell him at night all that went on during my day, even if it was bad or good. I used to look forward to going to church and meeting all my lovely church family, I used to enjoy playing Bass for our music team, I used to love fellow shipping at special events throughout the summer with my church. Today I dread those things. I don’t have that desire that I used to and I know people have caught on, sometimes I hear through the grapevine that others have been asking “Where has Maria been lately, or how has Maria been, I haven’t heard from her in a spell?”.

Lastly, I used to write all of the time. No matter where I was at, I could be at the grocery store in the checkout line and an amazing thought pops into my head for a good writing topic. I’d quickly get my little notepad and pen out, and constantly repeat in my head of what I just said and try to put it down on paper right away before the words slipped away from me. Now in days, I find myself struggling with coming up with a blog that people would find interesting, for instance, I’ve been working on this exact blog for about a good whole month now. I’ve deleted so many lines, at least 50 times or so. Looking at this blog has me thinking I’ve been ranting on just a bit too much, but I will post it regardless of what how I feel about it. I just hope (as always) that I can reach out to some of you. That whatever you’re feeling, that you realize just by reading my content that you’re not so alone. Cause you’re not, I can guarantee you that much.

Anyways, I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

A Broken Trust

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I don’t think we realize it, but there are times where we try to do things our own way. Whatever situation we are facing, or whatever it is we’re battling with, we always tend to think of how we can fix the situation or problem. In the end we make more of a mess than what we began with, and then that feeling of hopelessness settles in. Sometimes God has a way of tiring us out, or getting us to that place of not knowing what to do anymore. As if we’ve exhausted all of our options. I don’t know why it’s so difficult to turn to God when life becomes a bit too much, but all in all we’re the one’s who make it difficult. This is how I like to picture it, God sitting in a chair watching us…hearing us, but mainly waiting on us to actually cry out to Him. It may take a while for us to even get to this point, but eventually we are faced with having to pray to God and allowing Him peer into our lives to see what is going on.

“Oh what little faith you have Maria”. Those words ring in my head each time something big or minor happens in my life, because in my head I tend to question God even more after I had just prayed on the situation. It takes faith in knowing God can handle any situation that comes our way, and He never looks at the size of the situation as often as we do. He is God. Period.

Maybe we’ve been praying on a situation, and trusting that God will take care of it even though nothing has changed. I believe there are times where God tests our faith, He wants to see what it is we’ll do when facing a certain situation in our lives. Will we turn to Him? Will we pray? Or simply walk away with the intentions of fixing the problem on our own? If you’re anything like me, then I usually go straight for the “I got this” when really I can’t even get a grip on life. I have to admit, it’s hard to trust in something/someone whom you can’t physically see or feel. If we just allowed God to filter into our lives, if we just gave Him 10 minutes of our time, I believe thing’s would start to change. Our attitudes, behaviors, and having more faith that God can make the impossible possible.

Matthew 21:22

And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

There are many scripture that talk about having faith, and trusting in God. Hebrews 11:1 is personally one of my favorites. “The evidence of things not seen” hits home for me. The generation today is more of a “need to feel, need to hear, and need to see” type, which is fine and all but it should be different when it comes to God. Meditate on Hebrews 11:1, and put it into your own words of what that verse means to you. Some would say that it’s pretty self-explanatory, but any verse in the bible can be translated/viewed differently.

Hope you all have a blessed day, and take care.