Fear of Failure

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Recently I started to make a couple of small changes in my life, changes that would help me somewhat get back on track if I stay dedicated. I feel this time around it’ll be different, I have this confidence knowing that I’ll get out of this rut that I’m in. Days/weeks go by and then what you know, self-doubt begins to roll in. Reminding me of why I failed in the first place, why I couldn’t reconcile my relationship with God, and why I could never change no matter how hard I tried. Soon after a feeling of hopelessness begins to settle within, feelings of frustration, anger, unworthiness, and even tiredness. You’ve tried repeatedly to climb over this mountain, but you never seem to make it over.

It’s easy to fall into self-doubt mode, especially when you’ve already tried to pick yourself up multiple times only to fall back down again. It’s easy to call it quits because somehow you find it easier to remain in the same spot that you’ve tried to get up from. Here’s the problem, when we feel fear in the back of our minds, we are already predicting failure for ourselves. Have you ever heard the saying “third times the charm!” well who ever said that is a liar (because for me it’s more like 100th time is the charm…I think). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “tomorrow I’ll do that” or “next week I’ll begin this” only to not do any of those things you said you were going to do. I know this because I’m currently struggling with some things that I said that I would do only to keep putting it off one week after another.

As much and as quick I want to change my life around, first I must take baby steps. I must realize that I won’t change overnight or that I’ll have my life figured out by tomorrow. I must accept and embrace where I’m at in life right now and go from there. I have goals, I have dreams, and I have expectations for myself in this life. For so long I’ve allowed fear to hold me back from so many things, I’ve allowed failure to shape and mold me instead of allowing God to do just that. Maybe it’s not a matter of figuring out “What now?” or “Where do I start?” but to start with prayer and run with it, see what happens as you focus on the one who will help you get to where you need to be. What I can assume is that fear will always be in the back of my mind, I just need not to pay it any attention as I try and begin this new journey. Another thing I must embrace is that this may not be easy, I may struggle here and there along the way. Who knows I may lose focus again, but if I am aware of myself and how I think, I believe I can pray my way through and rely on God when I am troubled.

So, if you find yourself struggling to get yourself together including your life. Then know this, you’re not alone. If you’re struggling with self-doubt, anger, fear, anxiety, and so forth then know that there are many others out there experiencing the same thing. The only difference is that everyone is facing different circumstances, but who maybe experiencing the same emotions as you are. It’s like that one statement that people use every now and then, and that’s “The struggle is real”. Indeed, it is.

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Let Me Explain…

Photo Cred: Me! (Maria)

When I was a teenager, I developed a thirst for Jesus. I would read my bible every night, pray every night, and I even made a promise to God that I would never get angry at Him for the things that would bring hurt/tragedy in my life. I wore a skirt every single day throughout my high school years, and I refrained from cutting my hair. I respected my parents and their rules. I went to church every Sunday morning/night, attended Bible Study every Wednesday night, and on Thursday nights I would have youth class. When we had our church rummages, bake sales, and so forth, I participated in each event helping where ever I was needed. I played bass in my church’s music ministry, I was a puppeteer for our puppet ministry, I also assisted the teachers with Sunday School. But…

There were days where I didn’t know who I was, I struggled here and there with my thoughts and my self-worth. I felt trapped. I felt lost. I went through some rough patches as a teenager, but I always turned to God for strength and guidance. Yet I struggled with anxiety, depression, and I had no reason to struggle with such things knowing I had Jesus in my life. But I did.

I’m 24yrs old now and married. I haven’t read my bible and I haven’t prayed for quite some time. I’ve broken my promise to God that I would never get angry at Him for any reason, but I have, and I’ve made it known. I don’t wear skirts all that much, I wear jeans, and I’ve cut my hair for the first time which happened last summer. The only time I ever go to church is on Sunday mornings. I don’t play bass anymore in our church music ministry. I’m involved in church functions only when I feel like it or when asked to. I’m no longer in our puppet ministry. As for Sunday school, I am a teacher now, but I feel like I shouldn’t be one. The thirst I once had for Jesus from when I was a teenager I want back, I want it back so bad that I’m torn with who I’ve become with who I want to become. I’ve isolated myself from so much that I’ve missed out on making friends, reaching out to people, bonding with my family, and now I feel like I’m failing as a wife. But we all have a choice, don’t we? I can continue this road that is only leading me to destruction, or I can pick myself up and turn the other way and begin a road that will not only better myself but that will help me draw closer to God. The question is “How?”. Where do I begin? I’ve pondered these two questions for almost a month now, and then it hit me. I must start being honest with myself even if that means having to face certain areas in my life that I refuse to deal with. I’ve learned from personal experience that we only hear what we want to hear, anything else that doesn’t sound pleasing or that makes us become defensive we just shut out. I can reflect on the past all I want but that won’t change anything, it’ll just remind me of who I am today and not look at what I can be…what God has called me to be.

I’ve been stuck in this rut for as long as I can remember, and I thought that I was just in this process of finding myself. Which I am in a way, but I refuse to deal with who I am today and for that, I am hard on myself. I’ve decided to start over fresh with my blog, I really want to put myself out there in hopes of letting people know that they’re not alone in their struggles. I’m human but I am still very much in love with God, He’s kept me safe and alive this whole entire time. I just need to be tweaked here and there, until I stop putting myself down. I hope that this blog goes somewhere, even if it doesn’t, it’ll sorta be like therapy for me. After all, it’s time to come clean.