Let Me Explain…

Photo Cred: Me! (Maria)

When I was a teenager, I developed a thirst for Jesus. I would read my bible every night, pray every night, and I even made a promise to God that I would never get angry at Him for the things that would bring hurt/tragedy in my life. I wore a skirt every single day throughout my high school years, and I refrained from cutting my hair. I respected my parents and their rules. I went to church every Sunday morning/night, attended Bible Study every Wednesday night, and on Thursday nights I would have youth class. When we had our church rummages, bake sales, and so forth, I participated in each event helping where ever I was needed. I played bass in my church’s music ministry, I was a puppeteer for our puppet ministry, I also assisted the teachers with Sunday School. But…

There were days where I didn’t know who I was, I struggled here and there with my thoughts and my self-worth. I felt trapped. I felt lost. I went through some rough patches as a teenager, but I always turned to God for strength and guidance. Yet I struggled with anxiety, depression, and I had no reason to struggle with such things knowing I had Jesus in my life. But I did.

I’m 24yrs old now and married. I haven’t read my bible and I haven’t prayed for quite some time. I’ve broken my promise to God that I would never get angry at Him for any reason, but I have, and I’ve made it known. I don’t wear skirts all that much, I wear jeans, and I’ve cut my hair for the first time which happened last summer. The only time I ever go to church is on Sunday mornings. I don’t play bass anymore in our church music ministry. I’m involved in church functions only when I feel like it or when asked to. I’m no longer in our puppet ministry. As for Sunday school, I am a teacher now, but I feel like I shouldn’t be one. The thirst I once had for Jesus from when I was a teenager I want back, I want it back so bad that I’m torn with who I’ve become with who I want to become. I’ve isolated myself from so much that I’ve missed out on making friends, reaching out to people, bonding with my family, and now I feel like I’m failing as a wife. But we all have a choice, don’t we? I can continue this road that is only leading me to destruction, or I can pick myself up and turn the other way and begin a road that will not only better myself but that will help me draw closer to God. The question is “How?”. Where do I begin? I’ve pondered these two questions for almost a month now, and then it hit me. I must start being honest with myself even if that means having to face certain areas in my life that I refuse to deal with. I’ve learned from personal experience that we only hear what we want to hear, anything else that doesn’t sound pleasing or that makes us become defensive we just shut out. I can reflect on the past all I want but that won’t change anything, it’ll just remind me of who I am today and not look at what I can be…what God has called me to be.

I’ve been stuck in this rut for as long as I can remember, and I thought that I was just in this process of finding myself. Which I am in a way, but I refuse to deal with who I am today and for that, I am hard on myself. I’ve decided to start over fresh with my blog, I really want to put myself out there in hopes of letting people know that they’re not alone in their struggles. I’m human but I am still very much in love with God, He’s kept me safe and alive this whole entire time. I just need to be tweaked here and there, until I stop putting myself down. I hope that this blog goes somewhere, even if it doesn’t, it’ll sorta be like therapy for me. After all, it’s time to come clean.