I Used To…

Pic

    You loved sunsets. All the shades of reds mixed with the blues and yellows. How they washed the buildings and trees with a gentle, golden glow. You always took pictures.

You loved how messy they were. How there was no “right one”, yet each one was beautiful as the last. You loved that no matter how bad your day had been, you could always look at them and ease your mind, and warm your heart. You loved how they just did their thing, no matter how many people noticed.

So while you looked on, I took a picture of you. Because you were my sunset.

-d.c.


There are quite a few things that I used to love that I don’t do anymore, the thing’s that used to bring me happiness and peace no longer have that effect on me. It’s easy to get caught up in the business of life, you become bombarded with bills and you tend to worry more about things than what you did in high school. Looking back, I wish I never would’ve rushed my high school years. I wish I would’ve taken it slow and enjoyed those moments of being with my friends, laughing and going to the movies or even the mall. And being content with the fact that I could only afford something that only cost me $5.

I’m 23 years old and so far I’ve learned that life happens and that we have no control over certain situations that may arise in our life. If you look at it, the thing’s that we used to love may no longer be part of our lives which seems a bit melancholy. We’ve let the things of life take away some of the thing’s that we loved the most, the thing’s that we cherished with every ounce of our bones. How do we go back? Can we even go back? Is that even a good idea? I know people grow out of stuff, but even that is usually related to personal growth. What I’m talking about is not anywhere along the lines of personal growth, and that being the reason we lose interest in some of the thing’s we used to love. No, I’m talking about things that we no longer enjoy all because we’re sad, angry, frustrated, and would rather just shut everyone out because we don’t know how else to cope. We don’t know what else to say, or even how to act.

I feel as if God is looking directly at us, making eye contact as much as possible while we’re the ones who keep looking left to right and up and down. As if we’re scared that He’ll see what we’ve become, or what we’re becoming. There are times where I wish God would grab me by the shoulders and say “Maria, stop”. Stop over thinking, stop looking back, and stop being so hard on yourself. Quite honestly I miss looking at the sunset, I miss lying in bed in the mornings/nights as I put my headphones on to listen to some music that puts me at ease. I miss being me. Maybe I got a little lost along the way of trying to find myself, which might be why the things that I used to love no longer interest me.

I used to talk with God every morning and night, I’d tell him how thankful I’d be for giving me another day. I’d tell him at night all that went on during my day, even if it was bad or good. I used to look forward to going to church and meeting all my lovely church family, I used to enjoy playing Bass for our music team, I used to love fellow shipping at special events throughout the summer with my church. Today I dread those things. I don’t have that desire that I used to and I know people have caught on, sometimes I hear through the grapevine that others have been asking “Where has Maria been lately, or how has Maria been, I haven’t heard from her in a spell?”.

Lastly, I used to write all of the time. No matter where I was at, I could be at the grocery store in the checkout line and an amazing thought pops into my head for a good writing topic. I’d quickly get my little notepad and pen out, and constantly repeat in my head of what I just said and try to put it down on paper right away before the words slipped away from me. Now in days, I find myself struggling with coming up with a blog that people would find interesting, for instance, I’ve been working on this exact blog for about a good whole month now. I’ve deleted so many lines, at least 50 times or so. Looking at this blog has me thinking I’ve been ranting on just a bit too much, but I will post it regardless of what how I feel about it. I just hope (as always) that I can reach out to some of you. That whatever you’re feeling, that you realize just by reading my content that you’re not so alone. Cause you’re not, I can guarantee you that much.

Anyways, I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Advertisements

Beneath the Depths

3799b2cebb227e1ca433b81b339a1e34.jpg

The piece I’ve written below is not really categorized into anything, I thought maybe poetry but it’s seems a bit far-fetched from that. As of right now it’s just a piece I’ve written, something that came about as I was having a rough day at work. Despite the stress that I feel from work, life outside of work isn’t always that better. So I hope you enjoy this small written piece, and it does have a title which you can tell from the title of this post. Alright, here you go.


      I am trying, I’m really trying but you see the waves keep pulling me back under. I’m so tired, I’m tired of being disappointed, I’m tired of my own excuses, I’m tired of trying to please others when really all I want to do is scream and cry. My bones are weary from fighting the current, today I finally stopped fighting to stay afloat and began to feel myself  slowly sink. Feeling the water cover me as I slowly descend even deeper, feeling the cold turn my body numb. All I can think of is how did I get this lost? How did I stray so far from shore? Why didn’t anyone warn me  of what would happen if I strayed too far? Maybe someone did warn me, and I was just too ignorant to listen to them. Too focused on what I wanted rather than what I needed. Here I am drowning slowly with no one to blame but myself, and please understand that I’m not looking for any sympathy. I got myself here, and I failed to get myself out. I didn’t trust God to lead me, I didn’t pray to Him as much as I should have. I used to fear of what lurked in the depths of the ocean, and now I fear of what lurks within the depths of my own soul. If I would’ve just relied on God, if I would’ve just trusted in Him more, then He would’ve kept my head from going under. He would’ve led me back to safety, He would’ve led me back to shore. It’s my fault for not asking help, it’s my fault that I am the way that I am.

You see, it’s so easy to get lost out here. It’s easy to throw in the towel and call it quits, it’s easy to throw your hands up in the air and tell God that you’re done. That you’re done with life, that you’re done fighting.  

At this point I see my life flash before my eyes, reminding me of all the good times, of all those who love me. If I left I know I wouldn’t be doing anyone any good, I’d just be hurting them even more. I can’t feel anything, I can’t even think straight. I have nothing left to hold onto, I have nothing. Beneath the depths are just walls, a reminder that not everyone will understand. A reminder that there are no exact words to describe of how one feels, or pinpoint as to what is wrong. Here I lay, Beneath the Depths. 


I believe I wrote this piece in awareness to depression/suicide. Just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. People can live a good life and still turn to suicide for whatever reason, they may not have the words or the strength to get help. Some become hopeless and exhausted from trying to crawl out of that dark place, only to find themselves back in the same spot. Suicide isn’t the answer, but someone who maybe struggling may not see it that way. A person who is depressed/suicidal may not understand that they can get help, unlike a person who isn’t depressed/suicidal may not understand of what that person is going through (hope that makes sense). Frustration can come from trying to explain, and trying to understand such a thing. The piece I wrote isn’t meant to be encouraging or discouraging, but possibly to relate to someone who isn’t having a hard time finding the words to say. It’s never easy to just tell someone what is wrong, because in the back of our minds we know they aren’t going to understand. So we make it our mission to find the right words to say, when really there are no “right” words.

All in all I hope those who read the piece can share it with someone who you may know is struggling with some type of depression, or life in general. Again, my little piece isn’t really in a set category. It can be taken/read in any way.

God Bless

A Broken Trust

ed0d84ec8075300441ef7b55350ebad4

I don’t think we realize it, but there are times where we try to do things our own way. Whatever situation we are facing, or whatever it is we’re battling with, we always tend to think of how we can fix the situation or problem. In the end we make more of a mess than what we began with, and then that feeling of hopelessness settles in. Sometimes God has a way of tiring us out, or getting us to that place of not knowing what to do anymore. As if we’ve exhausted all of our options. I don’t know why it’s so difficult to turn to God when life becomes a bit too much, but all in all we’re the one’s who make it difficult. This is how I like to picture it, God sitting in a chair watching us…hearing us, but mainly waiting on us to actually cry out to Him. It may take a while for us to even get to this point, but eventually we are faced with having to pray to God and allowing Him peer into our lives to see what is going on.

“Oh what little faith you have Maria”. Those words ring in my head each time something big or minor happens in my life, because in my head I tend to question God even more after I had just prayed on the situation. It takes faith in knowing God can handle any situation that comes our way, and He never looks at the size of the situation as often as we do. He is God. Period.

Maybe we’ve been praying on a situation, and trusting that God will take care of it even though nothing has changed. I believe there are times where God tests our faith, He wants to see what it is we’ll do when facing a certain situation in our lives. Will we turn to Him? Will we pray? Or simply walk away with the intentions of fixing the problem on our own? If you’re anything like me, then I usually go straight for the “I got this” when really I can’t even get a grip on life. I have to admit, it’s hard to trust in something/someone whom you can’t physically see or feel. If we just allowed God to filter into our lives, if we just gave Him 10 minutes of our time, I believe thing’s would start to change. Our attitudes, behaviors, and having more faith that God can make the impossible possible.

Matthew 21:22

And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

There are many scripture that talk about having faith, and trusting in God. Hebrews 11:1 is personally one of my favorites. “The evidence of things not seen” hits home for me. The generation today is more of a “need to feel, need to hear, and need to see” type, which is fine and all but it should be different when it comes to God. Meditate on Hebrews 11:1, and put it into your own words of what that verse means to you. Some would say that it’s pretty self-explanatory, but any verse in the bible can be translated/viewed differently.

Hope you all have a blessed day, and take care.

The Promise

A promise that God would never flood the earth again. His promise remains true. 

Snapped a pic of this right after it had rained. It was a double rainbow, and it was the brightest rainbow I had ever seen. In person it looked much more awesome, this picture just doesn’t do any justice of what I actually saw. 

Hope everyone had a fantastic Tuesday! 👍🏼

Inseparable

Quote

Whenever I find myself wandering, and sometimes it’s usually away from God. I feel as if he has this hold on me, like a rope around my heart, pulling me back and asking “Where are you going?”. I’m not quite sure how to describe it without sounding…weird I guess. It’s like having a toddler, when you go somewhere that is over packed with people you want to make sure that your child is insight. You want to make sure that you can see them, and see where it is they’re going. You don’t want to lose the, or want anything bad happening to them. So you either put them in a stroller, strap them in, or get them a backpack with one of those leash things (which most parents aren’t a fan of, but if you’re over protective then the whole back pack thing may just be the thing).

It’s like God has a leash on us, and when we begin to stray he sees just how far we’ll go before pulling us back to Him.  At some point we even begin to realize how much we really need Him, and that we can’t make it through this thing called “life” without His guidance. Romans 8:39 speaks to me, this is what it says…

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

There is nothing that could separate us from God, and I mean NOTHING. Just when we think we’ve lost our way, or that we no longer feel worthy, God is standing right there. Waiting for you. People come in go out of our lives, some leave scars, and some just have to go for whatever reason. When everything seems to be falling apart, and no one understands, we will always have this hope. The hope that someone will always be there no matter what may come, no matter what we do, and no matter how we’ve been living. God has you. Sometimes we need to go through stuff in order to be brought back down to our knees, and admit that we are nothing without Jesus.

We all have choices to make, and sometimes we aren’t always sure that we are making the right choices. Whatever we do will lead us down different paths, but that’s where we gain experience as an individual. It’s how we grow spiritually, mentally, and physically. This is why I believe God allows us to wander, but not so far out, because there are some paths that can lead to destruction or even ruin. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, know that Jesus is waiting for you. He’s waiting for you to talk to Him, and He yearns to hear how you’re doing and where you’ve been. Even though He is with us 24/7, He want’s nothing more than to hear it come from you personally. There’s power when we admit to certain things in our lives that we are not proud of, thing’s that have caught us off guard. Jesus holds us until we learn to relax, to be calm, and to know that everything is going to be alright. We just have to rest in Him, and trust that He is leading us back to the heart of Worship.

Like they say…

Not All Who Wander Are Lost.