My Empty Hallelujah


Last weekend I was blessed with the opportunity to attend our Ladies Retreat which happens once a year in Wisconsin Dells, and this year I honestly didn’t want to go. I didn’t feel like I had to go, or that I even needed it. Great preaching happens at the Ladies Retreat, and it’s so nice to feel surrounded by thousands of women who are hurting, lost, and confused is uplifting in a way. Then there are those who are empowered, who have overcome some of life’s greatest struggles. They are an inspiration to me, it tells me that God holds us even in the darkest of days.

Let me back up here a bit. On the way there we came across an antique shop, and as I was browsing I came across one of those “the meaning behind your name” type of cards which intrigue me. The meaning of my name was “rebellious child“, and at the very bottom of the card it stated Psalms 91:9 which I have inserted above as my pic. Psalms 91:1 says…

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

That verse reassured me that God will pull me back once He has seen that I’ve strayed too far from Him, and that I will abide under his shadow.

One of the speakers at Ladies Retreat had asked the question “are you a well, or a cistern?”. Now a cistern if I’m correct, is for storing water. A well is where freshwater flows, and it keeps on flowing. That was a very good question, mainly because I never considered myself to be a cistern or a well. As she spoke on this topic, I began to question if whether or not my waters were flowing as they should be…or did it just sit there. Meaning, was I feeding myself the word of God on a daily basis? Was prayer something I did everyday? The answer to these two questions were a “no” for me. Which I struggle with every day, and between God and I we know why that is.

My church attendance had decreased within the last year, I don’t pray as often as I should, and I don’t read the word on a daily basis. I was indeed a cistern, just a tub of water sitting there…probably a bit dirty as well.

During worship I felt deep within my heart that my Hallelujah wasn’t the same, there was something wrong. It was empty…I was empty. It was in that moment that I told God I was tired…tired of fighting with myself. Tired of trying to fix everything on my own, and not trusting in Him that He would take care of everything. Of course, I know that I also have to take some action on my behalf, but for the most part I have to learn to lean more on God than myself.

I learned from Ladies Retreat that God is pushing back the darkness, and is lighting up his kingdom for us that cannot be shaken (and yes, that is from a song). We sang that verse one night over and over again, and it was so awesome! Not only was it awesome, but it was true for me. When we hurt, He sees it, but He also sees what we’re going to do about it. There is so much I hold onto that I know I need to let go of, and the fact that I have to stop being so hard on myself.

We have to fight our own demons sometimes, but we’re never alone when we need to do so.

All in all, I’m really glad that I made the decision to go to Ladies Retreat. God is good!


3 thoughts on “My Empty Hallelujah

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