Restless, incapable, uncertain, hopeless, drained, and just utterly lost. All of these things, they’re ok to feel and embrace. Embrace the darkest parts of you, let whatever is troubling you know that you’re not going to give up. It’s ok to break down now and then, there’s no need to think that you need to keep it all together the whole time. Sometimes we find ourselves where we’re not supposed to be, and that is where you must realize that you’re not the only one in that position.
You keep going back, and you keep going back. You find yourself entertaining your own sin once again, and you even acknowledge just how much of the wrong you’re in. Yet you refuse to do anything about it, because time and time again you find yourself praying about the same thing in hopes God will take it away completely this time. Hiding has become a comfort that you’re all too familiar with, and sin has found a place within that knows when to creep up on you when you’re at your weakest. I know what it’s like to pray to God and cry about the same thing we struggle with over and over. I know how numb we become to prayer that seems and sounds repetitive. Like the only option we have is to give up and just move on with our lives, thinking that our dirtiness will wash away on its own. Well it won’t. Our guilty stains never go away until they are dealt with, and the way we deal with them is when we take them to the one who knows how to wash us clean.
It’s never easy getting our knees to pray about the very thing that troubles us constantly, and it’s not because God isn’t listening. Sometimes it’s within our sin, within our darkness that He is trying to show us something. To show that there is something deeper than just our sin, something that only you and Him can connect on. No one else has to know where you’ve been, that is only between you and God. Some of us are so used to being broken, that we no longer even bother to pick ourselves up…because we know sooner or later we’ll just fall apart again. There is healing in His name. There is power in His name. We continue to seek Him, because we know all too well that He is the only one who can bring restoration to our lives. Everyday I am faced with my shame, and yet I know God sees it just as clear as I do. There is no more hiding, no more tears, no more feeling lost/hopeless, but I feel a sense of relief that He knows exactly what I am going through. He carries what I cannot carry, and embraces me when all I can do is stand there and cry. It is in this moment where I stop fighting not only myself, but that I am worthy in His eyes.
No more fighting this battle alone, and instead let God in and take complete control of what you can’t control. Don’t hold back those tears that have wanted to come out for so long, and let Him mend your heart back together. Embrace the healing that comes with surrendering, and know that He is good…so good. Take a deep breath, let Him know what’s going on in your life. Fall apart if you need to fall apart, cry if you need to cry, and allow the healing process to begin.
Let Him restore what you’ve lost. Let Him hold you.