~Never go too long without watching a sunset.
~Never go too long without watching a sunset.
I believe God brings us to a place where there are no distractions, a place to break us from our own demons that lurk within. The ones that hide and that God knows that they need to come out. There has to be a willingness to let go of the things that haunt us, the things that keep us awake at night and that drain the life out of us during the day. Some of us fear people seeing us the way we see ourselves. I’ve learned that I’m not the only person who is hard on themselves and sees themselves as being unworthy at times.
It’s when we’re at our weakest that Satan comes and plays with our minds, making us believe and feel that we are incredibly worthless. A well-known Christian rapper once said during in an open interview “We continue to do the things that are wrong, yet we don’t do anything about it”. Some of us are scared to face our own demons, some of us would rather keep them hidden than deal with them. We continue on this walk in hopes of no one finding out of who we really are as a person. Who are we really when no one is around? What do we do when we’re all alone? You want to know something? God knows EVERYTHING that you do when the curtains are closed and no one is around. He knows every single thought, every feeling, and everything that you do.
There are some things that have a strong hold on us, things that make us feel like a prisoner and that we’ll never be free. Addictions that have consumed our lives, depression that keeps us quiet, and I could go on and on here. The thing is we have to be willing to get on our knees and ask God for help, and for guidance as we go through life. The spirits that we battle with come through our addictions. Example: An individual who never leaves their room because they are attached to their computer, it’s what keeps them company. It’s all they know, the only way they ever communicate with another human being. They become imprisoned by their addiction, and if confronted they become defensive.
We fight with ourselves daily, we fight with how we feel and how we act. It becomes a constant struggle for us, and when we feel the need to turn to God instead we turn away because for some reason that’s much easier to do. My pastor once said, “When you feel like not going to church, then that’s when you need to go to church”. Some of us refuse to leave the wilderness, some of us refuse to crawl out of our own hell. Then there are some (like me) who don’t take the time to pray, or even speak to God. I myself struggle with a lot of demons that I keep “hidden”, tucked away so no one knows that I even have them. At some point, I will have to come forward before God, and He will see everything. And I mean everything. All of the ugly, and the good. This is why He has given us this time, this opportunity, this instant to confess all that we’ve done. At some point we will have to face our demons whether we like it or not, in the end, it won’t be an option. We will see God face to face, and stand before Him in all His glory.
I will end with this. God loves you more than anyone ever could, He’ll embrace you like no one else has ever embraced you. He will tell you endlessly about how much He loves you, and how much He cares for you. He will remind you of how worthy you really are, and that no matter how dirty you feel He will wash you clean as snow. You are more than what you struggle with, than what you battle with. You have the freedom to rise up. So what will you do?
That was her magic, she could still see the sunset, even on those darkest days. 📷
Truth, truth comes from those who have nothing to hide. Honesty comes from those who don’t fear humility. Sincerity comes from those who are not bound but free.
I hate honesty but I also crave it.
I’ve learned that there is a difference in hating honesty and wanting honesty. Most of us dislike when someone points something out about us that we know is true and we dislike it, even more, when we are exposed. Then there’s the type of honesty that we ourselves crave, the kind where we wish we could just be honest with someone for once. The kind of honesty that doesn’t necessarily pertain to us, but the type where we wish we could be more honest with people and with ourselves.
My devotion for this week ironically ties in with my blog, but it gears towards in being brutally honest with God. When we pray most of us only touch the surface, we never dive in deep and pull out the things that we truly struggle with. We only end up giving God a little piece of what is going on in our lives, and we never give Him the whole picture. Of course, He doesn’t have to ask since He knows all things, but He wants us to dig deep and be honest with Him for once. With God honesty is honesty, and truth is truth. Not only does God want to be engaged in our lives, and not only does he want intimacy with us, but He wants us to be honest with Him. He stands in front of us making eye contact while we’re looking all over the place, only because for some reason we’re afraid that He will know everything about us if we make eye contact back. Well, I hate to break to you but He knows what you try to hide underneath. He knows when you’re lying, and when you’re being honest.
The hunger for honesty for me personally is to be able to tell those how I really feel about something. Not in a rude manner, but in a respectful way without feeling guilty or ashamed. There are times where I feel compelled to help someone or be here and there at a specific time and I just can’t. I don’t have the heart to turn people away, even when the water is up to my neck I strive to stay afloat despite my weariness. If I could just be honest for once, I wonder if it would bring me any comfort or any relief. To be honest with God, to go beyond what I normally talk about with Him I haven’t done in such a long time. I myself must admit that I only touch the surface part when I’m in prayer or just speaking to Him.
What if we told God every single thing about us? What if we told Him every single lie we’ve ever made, every single thought, everything we’ve ever said, and every feeling we’ve ever felt? How about all the things we personally struggle with? It’s a choice to go beyond what we normally pray/tell God. Sometimes we just need to sit and be honest with ourselves for once, so honest that the tears start to flow and we don’t even know how to start the conversation with Him. Do you remember when God asked Peter 3 times if he loved him? Peter told God over and over “Yes Lord, you know I love” with an affirmative tone. Peter just said it because He knew that’s how he truly felt about God, but He wasn’t getting the big picture right away. God wanted Peter to realize that Peter would someday lead his people and that he needed to love unconditionally in order to be the leader that God called him to be. So when God asks us to be honest with Him, even if He just asks us one time. Then maybe He is trying to help us see the bigger picture here, and I can’t say what specifically since everyone’s walk is different. God is trying to lead us, but we let the things of everyday life get in the way and hinder us from making any time for God.
Just remember this…
Jesus cares when you feel like no one else does, and He listens to you when you feel like no one is listening. The best thing about talking with God is that He listens, and if we’re quiet enough He may just give us some answers. But remember we have to begin to be honest with Him. No more of this dipping our little toe in the water and that’s it type of conversations. We must immerse ourselves fully in His presence, even if we don’t know what to say right away. Eventually, the words will find you and God will be waiting there ever so patiently. It’s time to be honest, it’s time to be aware of where we stand in this life and who we are as a person.
Here’s one of NF’s songs that I just love. Raw and Honest. The link is below…
For so long I’ve felt like asking for help makes you weak and a lot of times I still feel that way, but as I get older I find that pretending you don’t need it is the real weakness. NF
There are many people out there who struggle to ask others for help. Some of us struggle with all different types of things, and it’s even a bit more complex for those who struggle spiritually. Honestly, the last thing I want to do is burden someone else with my personal problems. The type of stuff that I should be able to bring to God, but even in that sense I still feel this shame come over me for even thinking about it. Anxiety can cause us from having to talk with someone, it can stop us from seeking the help that we really need.
We go through life showing people a side of us that they expect and want to see, while deep down we are crying out. The other day I had posted a little rant, and right off the bat people commented that I should take into consideration that the person may have been crying out for help. See now here’s the thing, I did feel like I contradicted myself in a way but finally realized that I didn’t. No. I didn’t mention any names in my rant or point my finger at anyone in particular. You can only help someone so much, and so many times before you realize that they won’t change. No matter how hard you try to be there for that person. It requires effort on their part as well, you can’t force someone to tell you what is wrong or handcuff them until they spill their guts out. We’re like that, we cry for help but never move from our seats. We expect someone to come to us, someone who will finally get it and understand what it is we’re going through.
I’m not saying I’m any better cause I’m not, I still struggle with asking for help when I need it. All that comes to mind is the shame, and feeling unworthy. Some would even call it being selfish. I constantly fail myself and those around me, and yet I don’t do anything about it. That’s because I refuse to get up off of this seat of mine, and go out and talk to those who may be able to relate to whatever it is I’m going through. It’s like there’s this invisible duct tape over my mouth, God takes it off and I put it right back on. Just the other day my mom came up and told me “Maria you have to stop being so hard on yourself and give yourself some credit every once in a while”. I keep looking at the calendar and noticing that 2018 is literally right around the corner. Lately, I’ve been telling myself that for 2018 I’m going to treat myself better, give myself a break and work on the things that I lack. Take it day by day, you know? Finally get out and seek help from the one who has been there for me since day one. Jesus. Jesus is the very first thing that is on my lips once mid-night strikes and the new year is in.
So do yourself a favor, read this next line out loud if you need to. Stop being so hard on yourself, God sees your worth even when you don’t, He loves you for you and if He didn’t then He never would’ve given you life. Whatever sin you’re struggling with spiritually, I can guarantee you that there are others struggling with the same thing. Stop blaming the world for your anger, your bitterness, your heartache, because you have the choice to crawl out of the hell hole you’re in. Stop letting your negative thoughts separate you from what you know is true. Fight it. Don’t stop fighting, don’t ever give up, and don’t ever feel afraid/ashamed to ask for help or even seek advice. It’s better to speak than to stay silent for the rest of your life.
He sees that you are worthy, even if you don’t.
You loved sunsets. All the shades of reds mixed with the blues and yellows. How they washed the buildings and trees with a gentle, golden glow. You always took pictures.
You loved how messy they were. How there was no “right one”, yet each one was beautiful as the last. You loved that no matter how bad your day had been, you could always look at them and ease your mind, and warm your heart. You loved how they just did their thing, no matter how many people noticed.
So while you looked on, I took a picture of you. Because you were my sunset.
There are quite a few things that I used to love that I don’t do anymore, the thing’s that used to bring me happiness and peace no longer have that effect on me. It’s easy to get caught up in the business of life, you become bombarded with bills and you tend to worry more about things than what you did in high school. Looking back, I wish I never would’ve rushed my high school years. I wish I would’ve taken it slow and enjoyed those moments of being with my friends, laughing and going to the movies or even the mall. And being content with the fact that I could only afford something that only cost me $5.
I’m 23 years old and so far I’ve learned that life happens and that we have no control over certain situations that may arise in our life. If you look at it, the thing’s that we used to love may no longer be part of our lives which seems a bit melancholy. We’ve let the things of life take away some of the thing’s that we loved the most, the thing’s that we cherished with every ounce of our bones. How do we go back? Can we even go back? Is that even a good idea? I know people grow out of stuff, but even that is usually related to personal growth. What I’m talking about is not anywhere along the lines of personal growth, and that being the reason we lose interest in some of the thing’s we used to love. No, I’m talking about things that we no longer enjoy all because we’re sad, angry, frustrated, and would rather just shut everyone out because we don’t know how else to cope. We don’t know what else to say, or even how to act.
I feel as if God is looking directly at us, making eye contact as much as possible while we’re the ones who keep looking left to right and up and down. As if we’re scared that He’ll see what we’ve become, or what we’re becoming. There are times where I wish God would grab me by the shoulders and say “Maria, stop”. Stop over thinking, stop looking back, and stop being so hard on yourself. Quite honestly I miss looking at the sunset, I miss lying in bed in the mornings/nights as I put my headphones on to listen to some music that puts me at ease. I miss being me. Maybe I got a little lost along the way of trying to find myself, which might be why the things that I used to love no longer interest me.
I used to talk with God every morning and night, I’d tell him how thankful I’d be for giving me another day. I’d tell him at night all that went on during my day, even if it was bad or good. I used to look forward to going to church and meeting all my lovely church family, I used to enjoy playing Bass for our music team, I used to love fellow shipping at special events throughout the summer with my church. Today I dread those things. I don’t have that desire that I used to and I know people have caught on, sometimes I hear through the grapevine that others have been asking “Where has Maria been lately, or how has Maria been, I haven’t heard from her in a spell?”.
Lastly, I used to write all of the time. No matter where I was at, I could be at the grocery store in the checkout line and an amazing thought pops into my head for a good writing topic. I’d quickly get my little notepad and pen out, and constantly repeat in my head of what I just said and try to put it down on paper right away before the words slipped away from me. Now in days, I find myself struggling with coming up with a blog that people would find interesting, for instance, I’ve been working on this exact blog for about a good whole month now. I’ve deleted so many lines, at least 50 times or so. Looking at this blog has me thinking I’ve been ranting on just a bit too much, but I will post it regardless of what how I feel about it. I just hope (as always) that I can reach out to some of you. That whatever you’re feeling, that you realize just by reading my content that you’re not so alone. Cause you’re not, I can guarantee you that much.
Anyways, I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
The piece I’ve written below is not really categorized into anything, I thought maybe poetry but it’s seems a bit far-fetched from that. As of right now it’s just a piece I’ve written, something that came about as I was having a rough day at work. Despite the stress that I feel from work, life outside of work isn’t always that better. So I hope you enjoy this small written piece, and it does have a title which you can tell from the title of this post. Alright, here you go.
I am trying, I’m really trying but you see the waves keep pulling me back under. I’m so tired, I’m tired of being disappointed, I’m tired of my own excuses, I’m tired of trying to please others when really all I want to do is scream and cry. My bones are weary from fighting the current, today I finally stopped fighting to stay afloat and began to feel myself slowly sink. Feeling the water cover me as I slowly descend even deeper, feeling the cold turn my body numb. All I can think of is how did I get this lost? How did I stray so far from shore? Why didn’t anyone warn me of what would happen if I strayed too far? Maybe someone did warn me, and I was just too ignorant to listen to them. Too focused on what I wanted rather than what I needed. Here I am drowning slowly with no one to blame but myself, and please understand that I’m not looking for any sympathy. I got myself here, and I failed to get myself out. I didn’t trust God to lead me, I didn’t pray to Him as much as I should have. I used to fear of what lurked in the depths of the ocean, and now I fear of what lurks within the depths of my own soul. If I would’ve just relied on God, if I would’ve just trusted in Him more, then He would’ve kept my head from going under. He would’ve led me back to safety, He would’ve led me back to shore. It’s my fault for not asking help, it’s my fault that I am the way that I am.
You see, it’s so easy to get lost out here. It’s easy to throw in the towel and call it quits, it’s easy to throw your hands up in the air and tell God that you’re done. That you’re done with life, that you’re done fighting.
At this point I see my life flash before my eyes, reminding me of all the good times, of all those who love me. If I left I know I wouldn’t be doing anyone any good, I’d just be hurting them even more. I can’t feel anything, I can’t even think straight. I have nothing left to hold onto, I have nothing. Beneath the depths are just walls, a reminder that not everyone will understand. A reminder that there are no exact words to describe of how one feels, or pinpoint as to what is wrong. Here I lay, Beneath the Depths.
I believe I wrote this piece in awareness to depression/suicide. Just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. People can live a good life and still turn to suicide for whatever reason, they may not have the words or the strength to get help. Some become hopeless and exhausted from trying to crawl out of that dark place, only to find themselves back in the same spot. Suicide isn’t the answer, but someone who maybe struggling may not see it that way. A person who is depressed/suicidal may not understand that they can get help, unlike a person who isn’t depressed/suicidal may not understand of what that person is going through (hope that makes sense). Frustration can come from trying to explain, and trying to understand such a thing. The piece I wrote isn’t meant to be encouraging or discouraging, but possibly to relate to someone who isn’t having a hard time finding the words to say. It’s never easy to just tell someone what is wrong, because in the back of our minds we know they aren’t going to understand. So we make it our mission to find the right words to say, when really there are no “right” words.
All in all I hope those who read the piece can share it with someone who you may know is struggling with some type of depression, or life in general. Again, my little piece isn’t really in a set category. It can be taken/read in any way.
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