Beneath the Depths

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The piece I’ve written below is not really categorized into anything, I thought maybe poetry but it’s seems a bit far-fetched from that. As of right now it’s just a piece I’ve written, something that came about as I was having a rough day at work. Despite the stress that I feel from work, life outside of work isn’t always that better. So I hope you enjoy this small written piece, and it does have a title which you can tell from the title of this post. Alright, here you go.


      I am trying, I’m really trying but you see the waves keep pulling me back under. I’m so tired, I’m tired of being disappointed, I’m tired of my own excuses, I’m tired of trying to please others when really all I want to do is scream and cry. My bones are weary from fighting the current, today I finally stopped fighting to stay afloat and began to feel myself  slowly sink. Feeling the water cover me as I slowly descend even deeper, feeling the cold turn my body numb. All I can think of is how did I get this lost? How did I stray so far from shore? Why didn’t anyone warn me  of what would happen if I strayed too far? Maybe someone did warn me, and I was just ignorant. Too focused on what I wanted rather than what I needed. Here I am drowning slowly with no one to blame but myself, and please understand that I’m not looking for any sympathy. I got myself here, and I failed to get myself out. I didn’t trust God to lead me, I didn’t pray to Him as much as I should have. I used to fear of what lurked in the depths of the ocean, and now I fear of what lurks within the depths of my own soul. If I would’ve just relied on God, if I would’ve just trusted in Him more, then He would’ve kept my head from going under. He would’ve led me back to safety, He would’ve led me back to shore. It’s my fault for not asking help, it’s my fault that I am the way that I am.

You see, it’s so easy to get lost out here. It’s easy to throw in the towel and call it quits, it’s easy to throw your hands up in the air and tell God that you’re done. That you’re done with life, that you’re done fighting.  

At this point I see my life flash before my eyes, reminding me of all the good times, of all those who love me. If I left I know I wouldn’t be doing anyone any good, I’d just be hurting them even more. I can’t feel anything, I can’t even think straight. I have nothing left to hold onto, I have nothing. Beneath the depths are just walls, a reminder that not everyone will understand. A reminder that there are no exact words to describe of how one feels, or pinpoint as to what is wrong. Here I lay, Beneath the Depths. 


I believe I wrote this piece in awareness to depression/suicide. Just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. People can live a good life and still turn to suicide for whatever reason, they may not have the words or the strength to get help. Some become hopeless and exhausted from trying to crawl out of that dark place, only to find themselves back in the same spot. Suicide isn’t the answer, but someone who maybe struggling may not see it that way. A person who is depressed/suicidal may not understand that they can get help, unlike a person who isn’t depressed/suicidal may not understand of what that person is going through (hope that makes sense). Frustration can come from trying to explain, and trying to understand such a thing. The piece I wrote isn’t meant to be encouraging or discouraging, but possibly to relate to someone who isn’t having a hard time finding the words to say. It’s never easy to just tell someone what is wrong, because in the back of our minds we know they aren’t going to understand. So we make it our mission to find the right words to say, when really there are no “right” words.

All in all I hope those who read the piece can share it with someone who you may know is struggling with some type of depression, or life in general. Again, my little piece isn’t really in a set category. It can be taken/read in any way.

God Bless

 

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A Broken Trust

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I don’t think we realize it, but there are times where we try to do things our own way. Whatever situation we are facing, or whatever it is we’re battling with, we always tend to think of how we can fix the situation or problem. In the end we make more of a mess than what we began with, and then that feeling of hopelessness settles in. Sometimes God has a way of tiring us out, or getting us to that place of not knowing what to do anymore. As if we’ve exhausted all of our options. I don’t know why it’s so difficult to turn to God when life becomes a bit too much, but all in all we’re the one’s who make it difficult. This is how I like to picture it, God sitting in a chair watching us…hearing us, but mainly waiting on us to actually cry out to Him. It may take a while for us to even get to this point, but eventually we are faced with having to pray to God and allowing Him peer into our lives to see what is going on.

“Oh what little faith you have Maria”. Those words ring in my head each time something big or minor happens in my life, because in my head I tend to question God even more after I had just prayed on the situation. It takes faith in knowing God can handle any situation that comes our way, and He never looks at the size of the situation as often as we do. He is God. Period.

Maybe we’ve been praying on a situation, and trusting that God will take care of it even though nothing has changed. I believe there are times where God tests our faith, He wants to see what it is we’ll do when facing a certain situation in our lives. Will we turn to Him? Will we pray? Or simply walk away with the intentions of fixing the problem on our own? If you’re anything like me, then I usually go straight for the “I got this” when really I can’t even get a grip on life. I have to admit, it’s hard to trust in something/someone whom you can’t physically see or feel. If we just allowed God to filter into our lives, if we just gave Him 10 minutes of our time, I believe thing’s would start to change. Our attitudes, behaviors, and having more faith that God can make the impossible possible.

Matthew 21:22

And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

There are many scripture that talk about having faith, and trusting in God. Hebrews 11:1 is personally one of my favorites. “The evidence of things not seen” hits home for me. The generation today is more of a “need to feel, need to hear, and need to see” type, which is fine and all but it should be different when it comes to God. Meditate on Hebrews 11:1, and put it into your own words of what that verse means to you. Some would say that it’s pretty self-explanatory, but any verse in the bible can be translated/viewed differently.

Hope you all have a blessed day, and take care.

The Promise

A promise that God would never flood the earth again. His promise remains true. 

Snapped a pic of this right after it had rained. It was a double rainbow, and it was the brightest rainbow I had ever seen. In person it looked much more awesome, this picture just doesn’t do any justice of what I actually saw. 

Hope everyone had a fantastic Tuesday! 👍🏼

Inseparable

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Whenever I find myself wandering, and sometimes it’s usually away from God. I feel as if he has this hold on me, like a rope around my heart, pulling me back and asking “Where are you going?”. I’m not quite sure how to describe it without sounding…weird I guess. It’s like having a toddler, when you go somewhere that is over packed with people you want to make sure that your child is insight. You want to make sure that you can see them, and see where it is they’re going. You don’t want to lose the, or want anything bad happening to them. So you either put them in a stroller, strap them in, or get them a backpack with one of those leash things (which most parents aren’t a fan of, but if you’re over protective then the whole back pack thing may just be the thing).

It’s like God has a leash on us, and when we begin to stray he sees just how far we’ll go before pulling us back to Him.  At some point we even begin to realize how much we really need Him, and that we can’t make it through this thing called “life” without His guidance. Romans 8:39 speaks to me, this is what it says…

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

There is nothing that could separate us from God, and I mean NOTHING. Just when we think we’ve lost our way, or that we no longer feel worthy, God is standing right there. Waiting for you. People come in go out of our lives, some leave scars, and some just have to go for whatever reason. When everything seems to be falling apart, and no one understands, we will always have this hope. The hope that someone will always be there no matter what may come, no matter what we do, and no matter how we’ve been living. God has you. Sometimes we need to go through stuff in order to be brought back down to our knees, and admit that we are nothing without Jesus.

We all have choices to make, and sometimes we aren’t always sure that we are making the right choices. Whatever we do will lead us down different paths, but that’s where we gain experience as an individual. It’s how we grow spiritually, mentally, and physically. This is why I believe God allows us to wander, but not so far out, because there are some paths that can lead to destruction or even ruin. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, know that Jesus is waiting for you. He’s waiting for you to talk to Him, and He yearns to hear how you’re doing and where you’ve been. Even though He is with us 24/7, He want’s nothing more than to hear it come from you personally. There’s power when we admit to certain things in our lives that we are not proud of, thing’s that have caught us off guard. Jesus holds us until we learn to relax, to be calm, and to know that everything is going to be alright. We just have to rest in Him, and trust that He is leading us back to the heart of Worship.

Like they say…

Not All Who Wander Are Lost.

Rising From The Rubble

There are no more excuses, no more apologies, and no more promises.

I drifted way, and during this whole time I truly believed that what I thought was right was wrong. I had this strong belief that I was doing everything that I was supposed to be doing, that God was leading me in the right direction. It was as if I was finally finding myself, my true self.

That wasn’t the case.

I had drifted so far from God that I was pushing others out of my life. My church attendance was significantly low, my prayer life was no longer a prayer life, and reading the word…I just stopped. At this point, I became numb. Church on Sunday’s became just church to me, I no longer had the desire to go to church. I began to question God, I was frustrated with who I was becoming as a person. I didn’t like myself, I didn’t like the fact that I was pushing everyone that I loved away and out of my life. It’s as if I settled into this mini depression, and I hadn’t even realized it.

It never really occurred to me just how easily and how quickly one can drift away from God. No wonder why so many of our young people are walking away from the church, there’s just too much going on that it’s become a war zone for our young people. How do we fix this? How do bring the one’s who have left back to church? Times are changing, and I feel like our generation today is looking for acceptance. They’re looking for some type of reassurance that they are worthy, and that they do matter regardless of their past mistakes. People within the church should not be pointing fingers, gossiping, or telling someone that they’re living a sinful life. Those who point a finger at you should examine themselves first, and realize that they themselves are not all that perfect.

For those who have ever been put down, beaten down, talked down on, or even looked down on. You’re worth so much more than that. Find the strength to get up, rise up, and have faith that God will work everything out for the better. There’s no need for you to measure up to someone else’s standards, or even please them just so they like you a little bit more. Whatever you do, do unto God. So if it’s been a while since you’ve prayed, or even worshipped Him. Give Him some time today, let Him know what exactly is going on within you. Be silent, be fervent, but also be patient. You may not understand now, but He will show you down the road as to why you went through that specific trial.

As for myself I know I am still battling with somethings, and I know it’ll take time to be where I need to be.

In conclusion, I want to inform you of something. Something very very important, and this is…The devil is a liar, no more paying attention to him.

God Bless

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist

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Psalms 18:32 says…

It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect.

This week’s devotional talked about perfectionism. So before I began I looked up the definition of perfectionism, and this is what I found.

Refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.

As I was finishing up this week’s devotional, I began to think and wonder of what God must think when He looks down at me. This is what I imagine Him saying…”What in the world is she doing?”. Seriously though, I’m sure He asks Himself this question more than once a week. When it comes to making mistakes, especially if I’m the one making the mistakes. I tend to be quite hard on myself, because in my head if I don’t get something right the first time then that’s it. I’ve failed. It literally rattles my brain, and so my failure quickly turns into my frustration.

All in all I am not the type of person who copes well with failure, or accepting the fact that I made a mistake in the process of whatever it is I was doing. There are some nights where I go back to those moments and I beat myself up over them, which factors in me not having a good night’s sleep. We all strive for perfection, and sometimes we make ourselves believe that we are capable of taking on more than we already can. We cannot perfect ourselves on our own, nor can we force such a thing to happen.

God sees our faults and failures as an open window for Himself. He sees it in a way for Him to display His goodness, and His glory…HE perfects us. I think back to Mary and Martha in the bible, and how Jesus was on His way to visit their home. While Mary was calm and relaxed, Martha was in more of a panic mode. I feel as if Martha felt obliged to make the house look neat, and in order for Jesus’ appearance. As the story goes when Jesus finally makes his arrival, Martha at this point is already upset because Mary hadn’t lifted a finger to help Martha out. Jesus already knew the state Martha was in, and informed her that not everything needs to be done…or perfect in other words. Jesus also stated that the way Mary chose to act was right. If you think about this a little bit further, even Jesus’ disciples were not all that perfect. As a matter of fact most of His disciples were known for their humility.

As many faults as we have, and as much as we mess up in this life…nothing can change the way God views us. He sees us worthy, and embraces us when we’ve hit the lowest points in our life. He never turns away, His arms will be forever open for those who are willing and ready to come to Him.

So with all of this being said, you must know that it’s okay to make mistakes and that you don’t always have to have it together. He sess your flaws as a canvas to paint on, so allow Him to do just that and more.

Perfectionism is not the enemy, we just make it seem that way.

The Nature of Love

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Matthew 6:25 says…

Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?

This verse explains the importance of life, and how we shouldn’t sweat the small things. He has crafted our lives in such a way that we ourselves don’t understand, but that’s the beauty of it. He created us in the most perfect way that even nature cannot measure up to us.

Matthew chapter #6:25-34 talks about how we shouldn’t worry about the clothes we wear, and how that even King Solomon wasn’t even dressed in jewels.

This weeks devotional really expressed on nature, and how God’s love ties in with it. For this whole past week I’d get up in the mornings and the sunrise was always breathtaking, and each one was different. The colors, the look, the shapes, it was just absolutely beautiful to witness such glory. Then it hit me….God may have created the birds, the moon, the grass, the animals, and even the sunrises/sunsets…but He sees us even more beautiful than all of this. He took the TIME and LOVE into creating us, and even those who are insecure about their imperfections…well God made you that way, because to Him you were just perfect.

Every little detail you notice about yourself is exactly what He had in mind. Those freckles that you despise, those dimples that are just a little too big, and even those beauty marks that others think don’t look beautiful at all. We shouldn’t feel the need to cover up, or even measure up to those who look “perfect”. The way social media praises these models for their looks, their skinniness, and so on. Yes they’re perfect the way they are, but the editing that goes into making them look even better is a bit ridiculous.

God didn’t create us to  measure up to be the most beautiful, but to the best that we can be. He didn’t design us to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders, no not at all. He designed us to become victorious, and not to worry about life in itself. He’s crafted you into something so much better, and that is to go out and reach others….to be able to relate to those who are hurting, who are struggling, and who are ready to throw in the towel.

We are His, and He is our King. In His eyes we are a masterpiece, and like I said before even nature itself cannot measure up to us. He sees us more beautiful, more important because we are His children. So I encourage you sometime this week to go outside and spot something that God has created, and tell yourself…”God loves me more than the (blank)”.

Yes, He loves you this much.